Dark Shadows

The recipe for Dark Shadows appeared to be as follows: a pinch of Beetlejuice, a dash of Edward Scissorhands, and a reckless amount of excrement. The film was made without any care or consideration for the loyal fans who expected a decent film. Dark Shadows conjured up images of meadow muffins. Evil meadow muffins. You see, meadow muffins don’t sound half bad when you hear the name. But once you are within viewing and smelling distance the awful truth of what they are comes out to assault your senses. And Dark Shadows did not take long to show its true colors as a big mound of poop.

Sure, my expectations were high. It was not only a Tim Burton film starring Johnny Depp, but it was also a film based on a beloved gothic soap opera. I am not convinced Burton had a clear idea of what this Dark Shadows film was supposed to be...other than an excuse to work with his buddies Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, and Michelle Pfeiffer. Fun for Burton, bad for the audience. If it was meant to be a spoof then it was a failure. It lacked both intelligence and humor. The dialogue had more cringe-worthy moments then I could count. The plot development seemed haphazard and uncomfortable. And the acting was painfully below average. The most well executed part of the film was the clear and undeniable advertisement for McDonald’s. Did I go out and pick up some McDonald’s on my way home from the movie? No. I did not. Would I recommend this film to anyone that I like? No. I would not.